Tuesday, January 27, 2009

When Idata-ta-ta-ta-tate Lake freezes over

The kids in Halifax are not letting the Winter-time-sucks-every-time-the-temperature-comes-above -minus 30C-there's-blizzard-Blues get 'em. They's hostin' up a icerace. Check out the race series on Idatate Lake, NS if your in the neighborhood and bring your hot toddy.

I hope to make the trip for at least one of them, since I'm soooo studly, now. I know this is late, but the first race was actually canceled due to windchill expected to sink below -30 (surprise!). Those of you in balmier climes may not know that Canadians (and northern states) are being taken to task for constantly inflating the actual temperature in past winters. It may be just a crazy number on the foreign weather report to you, but I can assure you all it sucks up here.

For those of your freezing your asses of on the East Coast that may want to check out a spin on the lake. Updates are posted on the ECMTB forums.

Meanwhile, Back on the farm in Mexico.

If wrestling is fake, then so is my Gillain Anderson and The Space Hoagie Tattoo. Get this little guy a BMX and stand back.

Some of you may be wondering why the movie in my last post was not very good, whereas the movies Stevil posts are quite funny. Well, that's because you have no taste in film or you were so overcome with terror that your sobbing prevented you from truly appreciating the artistic merit of the piece.

For those of you who did like it. I made it with Mrs. Lucky and the real lucky one, Tsili. It's a Super 8 project made for the 12th Annual Acadie Underground film festival ashowcase of FICFA. This was filmed with NO cuts (that's the rules), that's why some of the shots are not perfect. The sound was originally done live acapella by Mrs. Lucky and I. It was magical, but alas, I guess you had to be there. I've added some music that fits with the mood I want to set. It earned us 2nd place against about 20 other competitors. For the next one I'm thinking... Espionage!

So, I'm watching "Zack and Miri Make a Porno". It was good, but I heard a song and had to look into it a bit more and found this. I think I'm a Not-Hip-at-all-Hop fan, now.

I'm not much on the video. But, this song will be in your head like Jedi mind tricks.

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Friday, January 23, 2009

In honour of Stevil

In Honour of Stevil Kinevil, of How to Avoid the Bummer Life infamy, who's away right now. Here's one for the weekend.

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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Happy Inaugeral Boxing Day or "Oboxa day"

All this talk of a new president of the USA, let's not forget who's officially gone. Good-bye Bush, you will be missed only by political sketch artists and skit comics, and take your Trek with you.

It's the day after and the big news here in Canada is that Omar Khadr is coming home. For those of you stuck in cells at Guantanamo Bay, he's a young Canadian with brown skin that has been detained at the fore mention facility (not the affluent private learning institute where boys should spend their young lives) since 2002 when he was arrested at 15 years of age on the lose accusation that he murdered an American soldier in Afghanistan. I'm not going to go into to many details as it's pretty sad. But, it took President Barack Obama all of one morning (I heard it on the news here at 6:00am!!!! Seriously, did he even have coffee first!) in office to put the wheels in motion to have Omar (we are all on first name basis with this young man here) sent back to Canada. The people of Canada have been literally begging PM Stephen Harper to step in for 6 YEARS! Now, there's an Ass Clown that makes even Peter Duffy look like sane and competent representative of the press. Believe what you like from the media, but I believe that torture is bad and this young man belongs in Canada for his trial.

I don't delve into the old spectra politico, but there's a little window for you. Yes ,we certainly can! I most definitely have a man crush. Especially after I heard, from Stevil Kinevil, what Obama and Michelle are into. Yeowza!

Skip to 1:55 if you want. Ohhhh, and you want.

It's not that I don't like updating the here blog. I couldn't! My Computer has been buried under an enormous pile of procrastination (that's the stuff that clogs up arteries). I would like this to be an inspired post, but it's not. I'd like to clip through it like when my nails get orange from ketchup, but I'm going to trudge through it like I did the 30cm of snow that fell since Monday. I have pictures here depicted both trudges.

Much to my chagrin there was no wildlife on my recreational trudge so I added a cardinal. A truly majestic rendition if I may say.

The augmentation on this photo is to demonstrate that I trudge on always with one eye, while the other wonders on occasion. On this occasion it has noticed that my Propeller Bitter has evaporated. The observant of you will notice that in my mouth is a bit of saucisson, this natural and not the product of my crafty photoshop whims.

Bikes, eh? Easy, Tiger. I have bike content. As I'm sure you've heard young Miss Atherton has been involved in a collision. Here's a full report by someone else followed by a conspiracy theory by me.

Was it an accident? Or maybe, just maybe, a ploy to strike fear into her would be opponents. Sure she looks a little banged up, but that's the point. She's a beast who feeds off of pain, that of her enemies or her own! She's the youngest you know that's good training for pain threshold. Who could set aside that fact that they're about to head down a trail competing against some one who took on a truck in a chicken match and then swerved back into the trucks path when it chickened WITH NO HELMET! This girl may look sweet, but she's gotta be an absolute animal. 24 hours after the accident (on purpose-dent?) she's cooking dinner. WTF! She is the eye if the tiger!

All joking aside, I wish Rachel Atherton the speediest of recoveries. Get some good drugs, dear. I don't think they test for medicinal marijuana anymore. Not up here anyhow. You guys down south should talk to Obama about that.

I just saw a great movie called "The Bicycle Thief". By great I mean late 1940's, black and white, with subtitles. A must see for anyone who's ever lost their bike to ne'erdowells in the night. you'll have to feel that roller coaster of emotions, but this time in Italian with no colour. On a lighter note the movie does feature some delicious looking mozzarella bread.

I'm gonna try to post up some of the stuff I've been eating. You in cyberspace might not know this, but those the real world (or Fleshbook, I think they call it) know that I eat like a ride. No limits!

Here one for ya. Since we're talking Italian.

I call it Lasagnus Olympus (or Pasta of the home of the gods of man). It was huge and it was gooooooooooood!

I'm gonna wait for the crowds to die down before I return the reforms that don't fit me that I got for Inauguration Day. Cheers!

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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I am OP's processed meat of choice

I have a wiener site! That rambling idiot puts up up a headline about my site, but then makes no mention of me in his (v)idiot post. I'm ashamed now that I fell for the bait and watched the whole thing! Gag me! My life is now 3 minutes shorter. Touche, quelle coup.

On second thought, gag OP.

This man truly is the manifestation of America's addiction to humiliation. One day without making an ass of himself in the public eye and OP would be rocking back and forth gnawing at his wrists.

They say there is no such thing as bad publicity so I should thank you, but I won't, because you make me a little sick. I will, however give thanks to the rule of double negatives, as I now have the un-wienerest, coolest blog on the web box.

Oh, and Frilly I will gladly hold this d-bag down while you exact revenge on his most assuredly shaven nether regions.

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Friday, January 9, 2009

Putting that cold, hard bitch that is you upper lip in it's place

Next time you look at your moustache in the mirror I want you to say this aloud... FAIL!

Unless your this dude, of course.

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Thursday, January 8, 2009

Putting the cold, hard bitch that is winter in her place.


I must say that was quite a holiday break. I got nothing going on in Freddy Beach where I just moved, so it was a no to screw off back to Monkeytown for holiday festivities. I still had some bridges to burn back in the old hometown anyhow. While I was there I stayed with Mama and Papa Lucky. The food is good, but the Internet connection was literally non-existent. I did manage to sneak in some email time on some friends connections and I even went to the library... Twice. It was unpleasant at best. It's not free books I hate, it's their fans, especially when it's cold out. I tried to discuss Ulysses with one gentleman. I though, due to the strong smell of Irish Whisky, he would have some insight. Alas, I left his company with the same number of I had when I met him.

The holidays were nice and retrospective. I revisited a time in my life when the amount of time I had to nurse a hangover trumped my finance available for booze. The formula was something like this, but without any math at all:

$$$ to spend on beer / hours available to sleep = cents invested : millimetres of alcohol

I aimed for a ratio of 1:100 and thanks to the Chris Rock, and my own home brew came pretty damned close to sleeping past noon every day.

you know what sucks? Yep, you guess it, champ. Training indoors. There are some creative ways around it, but it still sucks for me, because I have no indoor trainer. I had to get a hold of this by the short and curlies. I sent out word to my peeps and they delivered. Not without a catch.

Recently, I managed to procure a winter beater pro bono from my good friend, the formerly monikerless, Craig "Amazing Force of Retarded Ononistic Will" Harper or Afrow Craig. The new whip is a circa 90's Norco Bush Pilot (don't let this indicate any preference for personal grooming of any here mention persons). Cromoly, rustier than the dirtiest of trombones, and 19". Perfect!

I said to myself, "Self, this will never do... you need to get studded... and you'll need to get some more traction for those tires." How about some Schwalbe Spikers. $149.00 a pop. Those guys can schwalbe my knob. There's always a cheaper way and if there's one man who can find it, it's the chainsnapper. I made my own set with 160 studs (front) and 140 (rear). I haven't checked with Ashley Blue as to how many studs are ideal (who is an authority on the subject, not to mention all natural combination oral and hair care treatments), but the finished product is pretty damned studly. So much so that I call the new manifestation Lucky Tattoos, because one false move and you will be left with a tattoo that is neither pretty nor funny, so we'll make it lucky!

Here's how you make your own Lucky Tattoos.

What you'll need:

- Old mtb tires of any make. The important things is that they are free. I used a Panaracer Cinder 2.1 with a 2" slash in the side wall and a boot, and a Hutchinson Barricuda 2.0. These were perfect because they remind me of "Summer Fun" and my favorite dude from Killer Instinct. More importantly they were f**ked and free.

-300-400 screws about 1/2" long. The cheapest ones I found were drywall screws with drilling tips. $7/100 pcs. $21 total.

-A tire liner of some sort. I heard seat belts will work well. I tried to get some, but they wanted $25 for one at the scrap yard. I told them what they could schwalbe. I went back after dark when I knew I could get them at a much better price. They were cheaper alright, but the sales associate on duty had large teeth and a growl that seemed to resonate in my "better judgement" gland. I used the old ass rotten tires that came on the Bush Pilot.

-A pint of Jameson's Irish Whisky and a fancy glass. Studs can have class.

Step One

Turn the tire you intend to stud inside out and drill the screws into it. I would keep a finger on the target knob to try and get them centered. For the rear tire I went a center row and then identical rows, off set, on either side of the centre. Finally, a line on each row of side knobs staggered opposite of the last 2 off-set rows. Basically, I put each screw where I thought it should go. Use your imagination. For the front I didn't do a center row to try and minimize "squirm" and because there was no centre row of knobs. Pretty straight forward stuff (except where it's off-set or staggered). Apply whiskey liberally to lips and gums.

As you can see they're not going to come out perfect. Side knobs are especially hard.

Step 2

(You may want to get an adult for this next step)

Where were we? Ahh, yes. Remove the bead from you POS (piece of shit) tire. It doesn't have to be tidy. It has to be free. Apply more whiskey to tongue and back of throat.

Step 3

Insert the crappy tire with no studs into the crappy tire with studs. Like so. This is where you could substitute a strip of seat belt if it was free. Duct tape won't work! I tried to turn them inside out, so the flatter surface was against the screw heads, but this prove very difficult and it was decided drinking more whiskey would suffice. I would encourage the at home DIYer to skip right to the whisky.

Step 4

Set the bead of your studded tire (with the other one inside of it) and add the free tube that amazingly still hold air even though you just had to peel it will some force from the rotten tire you it was just in. Pump to 40-45 PSI (for all you BAR users that's 40-45 PSI. Get a life.) Apply one POS bike in this case a Norco Bush Pilot and add some snow and ice. Finish whiskey and ride.

The finished product: How does it rate?

Looks: Badass, props will surely come your way in the form of funny looks. There is some scrapping on the chainstays from irregular drilling of the side knobs.

Weight: 1 metric ass-tonne (yeah, that's how we spell it up here. With an "ne" on the end and an "ass" on the front) per tire.

Traction: For the love of god an all that is holy get out of my way. Serious traction on ice and snow up to 2", and not to shabby up to 5". A little squirmy in the rear. I try to keep it on the trail or the shoulder.

Safety: Don't tell you insurance company or doctor what your up to.

Cost: $37 (including whiskey) and some old parts.

Got some snowshoe trips planned that I may just share with you in the coming days, not to mention the studly adventures that are sure to find me. We'll see.

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