Jacqueline: A Love Story or Put a dress on him and dim the lights

I've had the good fortune to meet a philanthropic gent here in Freddy Beach. A little over a month ago Bob Matthews, of adventure racing and Frigid River Adventure Race coordination fame, invited me over to bike geek out. After a quick open sesame incantation I was lead into a treasure trove of adventure sport that would make Sinbad quit the loincloth, swashbuckling scene and head for the hills in full kit. When my eyes had finally adjusted to the blinding glow that accompanies any huge pile of riches, there amongst para-sailing gear, skis, paddles and adventure sports you-name-it's was nestled a mint, blaze orange Jake the Snake. Bob look at me solemnly and said this was to be my steed and I was to go forth, to hill and vale, over ditch and dale, through bog and stream. Armed only with this bike and a limited supply of domestic beer I was to chase down, blow up and get dropped with a solitary mission: To ruin the race for everyone. I feel that with a single mindedness that can only be achieved by relegating 90% of your faculties to keeping your hangover breakfast down, I like to think I made Bob proud, or at least distracted enough that he won't notice that his bike is no longer mint. I found the frame to be *cough* laterally sti... *sniff* and vertica-a-*achooo* complia...*COUGH, HACK, WHEEZ*

I actually started this post over 2 weeks ago and then got brutally sick. Sick as in prone to a vertical position and all but retarded with pain and misery. That's right dear readers, I actually, contracted the dreaded "Droid flu". That's what I call it, anyway. R2D2, C3P0, H1N1, all are strains with there own characteristic symptoms. They include, but are not limited to, high pitch nasal whistling and intonations, stiff joints and neurotic impulses, and a nagging cough and unbelievable ache over the entire body. Seriously, I had a to dip into my recreational pill stash for legitimate pain needs.

I haven't been anywhere near a bike since the final VeloNB cyclocross race last, last weekend. It's was awesome. There are pictures on FB if your so inclined to find them there. (I'm not down with Facebook. I burned all those bridges in high school for a reason) I managed to keep my lazy, hung over ass just in front of one junior racer and behind another. The only two in the race. so, I guess I finished mid pack... 17 years ago.

Where was I? Oh yeah... Jacqueline (What kind of perv gives a dude's name to a bike? That's like dressing your only son up as a girl and prancing him around town. No wonder events like those in the Sleep Away Camp documentary trilogy keep repeating themselves year after year.) Dear, dear, Jacqueline. Awesome bike! Hands down. The fork was a little heavy by roadie standards, but I loved it. I didn't take it easy on this bike, by any stretch, and there's a confidence that comes with a beefy aluminum when your slamming into ditches and wailing down rocky chutes (once you've given up on the cantilever brakes, you've nothing left to do, but wail. Such is the nature of canti's) that you just won't get from crabon fibre. I got a lot of comments on the colour. Mostly from none cyclists. I like the blaze orange for this time of year, when your cruising through the woods at the speed of... oh say... a deer. I live in an area where orange vests are as important as helmets for the fall season and I take a very "be seen" approach to city riding, too, so it's the perfect colour, really. I've never actually picked the colour of any bike I've ever owned. If I can save even $50 by taking the leftover colours, gimme the pink one, for all I care. I did have some issues with the drive train for a couple of events. Jacquie, was dropping chains like Cool Hand Luke. The first bit of trouble was attributed to a mangled link. I knocked it out and the situation improved a great deal, but still if things got hairy, like on the singletrack bits at Fredericton's Pumpkin Cross Race, it became mechanical for me to put the chain back on, usually with an up shift of the front derailleur. I know that it's seldom that a shop will take enough links out of a mountain bike chain and perhaps I could have tuned it, but I'm not sure what the procedure is for cross/road bikes. All in all, this is an outstanding bike and it gave me new vigour for the fall season. Cyclocross is here to stay for me.

If you're getting the Velo Cape Breton newsletter you would've found this link. Sad really, but who didn't see it coming. I would love to embellish, but getting into it further here would be a mistake, because I see this as is just one more symptom in a degenerative disease that society has. This is just not the forum.

I stumbled across this and thought it quite interesting. For those of you that do want to pick your own colours, why pay top dollar and go through the questionable glares from the auto detailer when your getting all your parts done up in pink ano for your new ride that you've probably named Gary.

Or do your gun. I'm not sure how your supposed to name guns, but his one looks like a Linda.

While I was out Xtranormal dropped and dropped hard. These funnies are possibly the best thing to happen to cycling irony since the recumbent. If you missed it check here, here, here, here and finally, here. Now, your as sick of it as the rest of use. As streetgang said, "This is sooo November '09." Sock puppets and poorly done spanish accents are the new black in parody. get on it, now. It'll be dead by Xmas.

If your just starting to think about hitting the gym for the off season I've got news for you. You've been working out this whole time! It's no secret that it there are ways to pass the time and keep the edge off, but who knew you were getting cut, too.


If your working out while your reading this blog, that's just creepy. You probably need to get out more. So, grab Chad or Todd, or whatever you call your bike and go for a ride. It's exercise, too!