Putting the cold, hard bitch that is winter in her place.

*Yaaaaaaawn*

I must say that was quite a holiday break. I got nothing going on in Freddy Beach where I just moved, so it was a no to screw off back to Monkeytown for holiday festivities. I still had some bridges to burn back in the old hometown anyhow. While I was there I stayed with Mama and Papa Lucky. The food is good, but the Internet connection was literally non-existent. I did manage to sneak in some email time on some friends connections and I even went to the library... Twice. It was unpleasant at best. It's not free books I hate, it's their fans, especially when it's cold out. I tried to discuss Ulysses with one gentleman. I though, due to the strong smell of Irish Whisky, he would have some insight. Alas, I left his company with the same number of I had when I met him.

The holidays were nice and retrospective. I revisited a time in my life when the amount of time I had to nurse a hangover trumped my finance available for booze. The formula was something like this, but without any math at all:

$$$ to spend on beer / hours available to sleep = cents invested : millimetres of alcohol

I aimed for a ratio of 1:100 and thanks to the Chris Rock, and my own home brew came pretty damned close to sleeping past noon every day.

you know what sucks? Yep, you guess it, champ. Training indoors. There are some creative ways around it, but it still sucks for me, because I have no indoor trainer. I had to get a hold of this by the short and curlies. I sent out word to my peeps and they delivered. Not without a catch.

Recently, I managed to procure a winter beater pro bono from my good friend, the formerly monikerless, Craig "Amazing Force of Retarded Ononistic Will" Harper or Afrow Craig. The new whip is a circa 90's Norco Bush Pilot (don't let this indicate any preference for personal grooming of any here mention persons). Cromoly, rustier than the dirtiest of trombones, and 19". Perfect!

I said to myself, "Self, this will never do... you need to get studded... and you'll need to get some more traction for those tires." How about some Schwalbe Spikers. $149.00 a pop. Those guys can schwalbe my knob. There's always a cheaper way and if there's one man who can find it, it's the chainsnapper. I made my own set with 160 studs (front) and 140 (rear). I haven't checked with Ashley Blue as to how many studs are ideal (who is an authority on the subject, not to mention all natural combination oral and hair care treatments), but the finished product is pretty damned studly. So much so that I call the new manifestation Lucky Tattoos, because one false move and you will be left with a tattoo that is neither pretty nor funny, so we'll make it lucky!

Here's how you make your own Lucky Tattoos.

What you'll need:

- Old mtb tires of any make. The important things is that they are free. I used a Panaracer Cinder 2.1 with a 2" slash in the side wall and a boot, and a Hutchinson Barricuda 2.0. These were perfect because they remind me of "Summer Fun" and my favorite dude from Killer Instinct. More importantly they were f**ked and free.

-300-400 screws about 1/2" long. The cheapest ones I found were drywall screws with drilling tips. $7/100 pcs. $21 total.

-A tire liner of some sort. I heard seat belts will work well. I tried to get some, but they wanted $25 for one at the scrap yard. I told them what they could schwalbe. I went back after dark when I knew I could get them at a much better price. They were cheaper alright, but the sales associate on duty had large teeth and a growl that seemed to resonate in my "better judgement" gland. I used the old ass rotten tires that came on the Bush Pilot.

-A pint of Jameson's Irish Whisky and a fancy glass. Studs can have class.

Step One

Turn the tire you intend to stud inside out and drill the screws into it. I would keep a finger on the target knob to try and get them centered. For the rear tire I went a center row and then identical rows, off set, on either side of the centre. Finally, a line on each row of side knobs staggered opposite of the last 2 off-set rows. Basically, I put each screw where I thought it should go. Use your imagination. For the front I didn't do a center row to try and minimize "squirm" and because there was no centre row of knobs. Pretty straight forward stuff (except where it's off-set or staggered). Apply whiskey liberally to lips and gums.

As you can see they're not going to come out perfect. Side knobs are especially hard.

Step 2

(You may want to get an adult for this next step)

Where were we? Ahh, yes. Remove the bead from you POS (piece of shit) tire. It doesn't have to be tidy. It has to be free. Apply more whiskey to tongue and back of throat.

Step 3

Insert the crappy tire with no studs into the crappy tire with studs. Like so. This is where you could substitute a strip of seat belt if it was free. Duct tape won't work! I tried to turn them inside out, so the flatter surface was against the screw heads, but this prove very difficult and it was decided drinking more whiskey would suffice. I would encourage the at home DIYer to skip right to the whisky.

Step 4

Set the bead of your studded tire (with the other one inside of it) and add the free tube that amazingly still hold air even though you just had to peel it will some force from the rotten tire you it was just in. Pump to 40-45 PSI (for all you BAR users that's 40-45 PSI. Get a life.) Apply one POS bike in this case a Norco Bush Pilot and add some snow and ice. Finish whiskey and ride.

The finished product: How does it rate?

Looks: Badass, props will surely come your way in the form of funny looks. There is some scrapping on the chainstays from irregular drilling of the side knobs.

Weight: 1 metric ass-tonne (yeah, that's how we spell it up here. With an "ne" on the end and an "ass" on the front) per tire.

Traction: For the love of god an all that is holy get out of my way. Serious traction on ice and snow up to 2", and not to shabby up to 5". A little squirmy in the rear. I try to keep it on the trail or the shoulder.

Safety: Don't tell you insurance company or doctor what your up to.

Cost: $37 (including whiskey) and some old parts.

Got some snowshoe trips planned that I may just share with you in the coming days, not to mention the studly adventures that are sure to find me. We'll see.