Mommy? Where did I come from?

A photo of young bikecart touring Europe with a shady fixed gear instead of college.

This aboration was sent from Z.dwndr. I'm not sure how bikes like this come to be, but I think, maybe, it went a little something like this (insert windchimes and wavey picture fade out):

-The scene is a party with many in attendance-

Host: Hey, bike. Nice pie plate. I hope your enjoying yourself.

Bike: Yeah, these tiny sausages are amazing. I haven't seen you since you painted over my obscene rust with a brush and some oil base. What times we had.

Grocery Produce Cart: Hey, hi you doin'. What's your seat tube 15"... 14"?
-sidling up to the petite step through-

B: Oh, you know how to make a girl feel good about her frame. i'm okay, I guess. Starting to get a little tipsy, though. Hehe.
-gently places her hand on GPC's cast steel gusset-

H: Don't have to many of the wieners, bike. You don't want to ruin your appetite.

-A few hours pass-

B: Great party! I haven't danshed this much since College! Whoooaaa!

H: Um... yeah sure. Is that vomit on your solid rubber tire?

B: Don't worry. It'sh not mine.

GPC: Yeah, baby. Lay off that coaster brake. We're not stopping , yet. Shake it like a polaroid picha'!

-couple staggers of between a recumbant and a unicycle heated debating Eddie Mercks' performance in the '76 Paris-Roubaix-

-A few hours later a screeching of metal on metal is drowning out Celine Dione's "My heart will go on". It seems to be coming from an upstairs bedroom-

H: Oh! good lord.
-squeak, squeak-

Fixed gear: Screwing in the spare room. That's so hipster!
-Adjusting none perscription glasses and looking smug-

B: (muffled) More Phil's Tenacious! More!

GPC: *wait until I tell the meat cart about this. He's bucket going spiiiiin!*

B: Do you have any presta-schrader adapters?

GPC: Don't worry, baby. I'm universal.

-Furious screeching of metal-

-9 months later-

GPC has joined the military and was shipped of to afganiraqovakia for peace keeping. He was last seen loaded with improvised explosive devices being sold back to the rebels. His court marshal is pending.

Bike was left destitute with the burden of rearing a special needs child and forced to move to Las Vegas and perform as an exotic dancer. Interbike is biggest week.

One... Two... Krampus is coming for you!

Ride, ride, you bike thieving little bugger!

No shit! This guy is freaking terrifying. Luckily, he's only in Austria. Z.Dwnder must be shitting his liederhosen. From what I know of this fellow he visits children he's Santa's poker pal and he visits bad kids and bike thieves with his winged (pronounce wing-ed) kangaroo. His tongue is really long and he has a whip. I can only speculate as to the studded cod piece, but it seems to fit the profile.

Krampus get time from hotty, simply with his tongue of lore.

He may not be popular with the kids, but once they hit college. Yeowza! On the hot chick note I recently saw a Canandian feature film called "Walk all over me". Leelee Sobieski played an unremarkable second bill to Leelee Sobieski's Taa Taa's who really stolle the show with an over the top performance.

I may have absolutely no bike news. If I were to really scrape the bottom of the barrel I might mention that after some rain and warm weather I decided to take my not-so-winter, not-at-all beater bike out to check out my new wooded digs (my new pad is backed against 1000's of savage forest). So, I notice a little tweak in the hanger. So, I gives it a wee tug and the f**ker snapped right off. That was all of 00:02:34 into my first winter ride. I'm glad I didn't stay home and surf Estonian MILF taco with that kind of luck. Some equipment is not as replaceable as a derailleur hanger. Here it comes... Yeowza! I went out anyway on the old SS, but I'll be honest with you. If you get even the least bit of ice there's no hope without staying in the saddle and gearing down. Makes icey climbs a no go.

My internet service has been spotty at best, so I got nothing, really. I guess I'll leave you with this.