I'm off to TO for the weekend for the blissful joining of two souls on holy matrimony. So, it should be sunny and beautiful all weekend here at home, but what could match the magic of a November wedding in Toronto?

*cricket, cricket*

I haven't been there since the KISS painted reunion tour way back in '96. When Paul Stanley played "Beth" I saw tons of boobies.

I see on the international front that a 108 year old cyclist was struck by a vehicle in Italy. I can't help, but picture a gentle old lady with a basket on her handle bars brimming with ripe tomatoes, panniers bulging with eggplants, and crisp celery (even celery is good in Italy) protruding with leaves like an universal flag of peace in the name of gastronomica. This lady would be pausing on a quaint corner of the market district waving feebly at the polite nods and smiles of passers by. Pausing from her journey home to cook putanesca for 5 generations of commuters that are her familia. Pausing, only to be struck down by some a**hole in a euro SUV talking on his mobile (that's european for cell phone) to his lawyer trying to hammer out details of the first Greco Pizza outlet he plans to open in Vatican city. The bike gods will avenge this outrage.

"But, what about news that matters to us?" you say. Here's something more local and many times more disappointing. The Chronicle Herald out of NS recently reported on the enlightenment of some local cyclist who failed to to bucket they're respective brains. I've supplied a little levity with a commentary (in red) that you can follow with your mouse pointer.

Want their attention? Mention the catheter
Course urges cyclists to wear helmets

By MONICA GRAHAM
Sun. Oct 5 - 5:26 AM

NEW GLASGOW — The kids wiggled and fidgeted Saturday while police and health care professionals explained the importance of wearing helmets when riding bikes or skateboards.

A dozen children and teens, plus a few adults, attended Noggin Knowledge at the Aberdeen Hospital to avoid paying a $135.75 fine for disobeying Nova Scotia’s helmet law. When they completed the two-hour course, summary offence tickets issued to them over the summer were forgiven.

I know! Let's use their lack of liquid funds to get them to show up.

Participants seemed resistant to the message, even when told wearing helmets properly would give them an 85 per cent chance of surviving a knock on the head.

The numbers make sense, but is there context?

They remained unimpressed when Dr. Nicole Boutilier, an emergency room physician, showed graphic photos of a brain injury and told them: "Prevention is the only cure."

Clever. No?

As for information about the financial impact of head injuries on the health care system, long-term or permanent effects such as the inability to speak or move, and the worry for family and friends, it all left them unmoved.

Financial Impact? Who really gives a flying... Canada is big a country. It has lots of money for my brain damage.

They tensed momentarily at the news that nurses would likely slice off every stitch of their clothes if they were in a serious accident, in order to see injuries.

Something tells me they weren't worried about their extremely rare, circa 80's full Campy kit.

A squishy, mushy replica of a gelatinous human brain and a model of a two-pennies-thick human skull attracted moderate curiosity. They laughed when one of them got strapped to a backboard as a demonstrator patient and watched with growing interest as paramedics explained how they inserted a tube into a victim’s lungs to aid breathing.

Hilarious. No?

But when they heard how a urinary catheter is inserted, they snapped to attention.

"That would hurt," a boy said.

Your friggin' right it would!

It would, agreed a paramedic, especially since painkillers are kept to a minimum until an injured person reaches a hospital.

So the group listened closely when experienced mountain biker Yvonne Legere described her bicycle crash last year. Her helmet saved her head, but the impact cracked her helmet down the middle and broke her back.

There's the context! Living breathing context, only by the will of God, Allah, Mothra... (insert diety of choice)

Her cycling friends called an ambulance to the remote site.

"If I hadn’t had my helmet, I wouldn’t be here talking to you right now," Ms. Legere said. "You don’t realize that in the blink of an eye you can be on the ground with your brains leaking out."

Alright, let's really get down to bussiness and wrap this up. Why the waiving of the fee of offense, the graphic demonstration of the consequences of choice, the provincial news coverage, and the heart felt plee for safety from a martyr to cycledom. For this:

The information was valuable, said one participants, adding he’ll wear a helmet from now on.

"That’s if I ever ride a bike again. I’m getting a car," he said. "I’ll wear my seatbelt, though."

Mission accomplished!

( mgraham@herald.ca)

Here's to you, Zarbes Downunder.

The only reader of my blog is getting on my ass. Zarbes Downunder, I think I know what your up to. If I were you, I would suppose that if your name gets dropped three days in row you get your own chair like that guy beside Conan O'Brien. Then I, as you, would surf the knarley half pipes that are Lucky's coat tails to the shore of independent wealth and spiritual epiphany. Then you would assume, if I were you, that you're photographic career (Funny? I have so few pictures) would rocket you to fame. People will know MY NAM... YOUR NAME! All of a sudden while highlife is streaking past you and you're carbon Cervelo (59cm, because 60 is just too big!) is collecting dust and you've burned every bridge. You will damn the day we met, only to know that statistically I will out live you. What ever happened to Andy Richter?

oh.

Zarbes Downunder is our travel correspondent who is right now in Gratz, Australia. Make sure your wallaby is well done. He's not drinking the water, but there's beer in everything. Thanks, Mate!
Himbeer? Herbeer? I didn't ask before I drank it. I believe that little boy in the profile is wearing a traditional Australian aborigine head dress called a "Get".

I swear I'll have something cycling related tomorrow.

Got vision? Is that what's all over your upper lip?

So, I'm trying to hook up a showing off Bike Shorts in my hometown, so I'm in touch with this Dustin cat who organizes it on the west coast of Canada, so he sent me this video of his bean bag chair project.



This guy is one step away from a Nobel prize in every discipline and he's been car free for almost 5 years! Is anyone else thinking easy apple sauce? Thanks, Dustin.

Totally un-bike related.

Within this boy lurks an evil older than time. $10 says there's an unquenchable thirst for vindication in that heart and there's a rusty shiv in that bouquet.

Here's another vid from a documentarian on the cusp of a brave new wave. I love the mount and dismount technique for fixed push boards.



I was going to ramble a bit about celery and how it's in everything, but no one likes it... "Celery: No one's favorite". In the end, F**k it! I hate celery.

Blue Olives and Virginal Cyborg Cops

Ho-hum. Let's see what I've foraged up today. I gotta get one of these mail bags other bloggeurs write so much about. I think Kangaroo Zarbes will come through with some serious gems, like these ones.

I've had this roughly translated (from Australian for those of you not quite as worldly as the kid) as "Happy/playful dogs will be shot". Hear, hear, I say. I was told by some of my Jamaican contributors that a Hoodoo tea of spider web and cannabis leaf will turn your dog into a canine killing machine (especially when equipped with lasers beams), thus keeping it one playful lick from death.

Kangaroo Zarbes was also kind enough to edit some lines to guide us through this veritable maze of bike geometry. Didn't GT try something like this? Thanks for the update from down under, Zarbes.

Speaking of top tube clearance (that's right I can hear you even when you mumble like that, now please move that glass of water away from the keyboard), this fellow seems top have the deal breaker for some sissy looking to up his game. The poster of the ad didn't get into geometry details, but I'm going to assume tons of top tube clearance.

email this posting to a friend best of craigslist > SF bay area > Manly Bike for Sale

Originally Posted: Tue, 22 Jul 10:18 PDT

Manly Bike for Sale

---

Date: 2008-07-22, 10:18AM PDT

Bike for sale


What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME".



The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.



The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.



The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything.



I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:


Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.


Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four".


Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices)

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 765370039

---

Copyright © 2008 craigslist, inc. terms of use privacy policy feedback forum

While dodging invites to "Meet singles in Bass River, NB now!" I caught a whiff of something odd. It was sweet, like the gurgle of a laughing infant or the first strum of the ukulele love song, yet set deep in the powerful musk of justice and gun oil. I followed the oddly pleasing aroma to this...

collection, proving indirectly, that you never know what your going to find wrapped in crumpled, oily newspaper sitting coyly atop any trash can in the world.

I was in to visit some nice Tunisian gentlemen that have opened a grocery (soon to be dining establishment) in Dieppe, NB, called the Blue Olive. If you have any taste at all you will go, too. I got some fancy spicy sardines, ready to go chick pea puree (king of legumes) and some truly excruciatingly hot avocado salad. The food is from all over and if you don't know just ask, because the 2 dudes are very laid back. Leftist eating at it best. The only critical comment I have is against the location. Right smack dab in the middle of one of Greater Moncton's MANY "Pedestrian Dead Zones". Heavy traffic and constant blowing litter on the Paul St make for shitting cycling and walking. So, here is yet another establishment with a market segment that is almost purely vehicular.

You can't skate there, either.

Do not stare directly into the wheel.

Independant bike smith, Chucky T, responds to aerosopke crisis with his new Spoke Leafed Organdy Wheel custom spoke enhancement. S.L.O.W, as it's called is still in it's R&D phase and this engineer tight lipped about his newest innovation, but Lucky got a peek at the Titanium Accented Revolution Dampened (T.A.R.D) model, made specifically for step-trough bicycle chassis. Chucky says the material his uses is an untapped source of light weight stiffness and is completely biodegradable.

"Just leave your unlocked bike in direct sunlight for a couple of days and it will decay into nothing!" Chucky exclaims, with the pride only scientific break through can bring.

Chucky T is best known for spearheading the "Chain Slack" movement currently sweeping New York. He aims to use the fleeted fancy hipster movement to take aim at make sliding drop outs obsolete. Paisley print 6-7-8 speed chain links are already showing up in Bike Studios, and are soon to set the bar for "unreasonably over priced due to unreasonable demand".

"Much like the fixed gear phenom has replace mechanical breaks with braking technique, I'm using special flick of the heel technique to eliminate the tedium of needing to keep your chain constantly tight." Mr. T was quoted, "I'm gonna devolve this ride into a round stone."

We at Psyclepathic say keep up the good work Charles Tatzingerneffer and your sure to find yourself immortalized in the annuls of two wheeled history.



I nicked this little gem for the bike snob @ BSNYC. Some one I've never met, but hold dear to the back of my knee, where it hurts a little on really long rides. Dogpaw IS the dude. I heard that Jeff Bridges wheres a hemp choker that says W.W.DP.D. Where do you find your inspiration? Is it bearded? Don't answer, reflect, my friend.

Isolate Your Core! Breathe Through Your EYELIDS!!

So this Abdominal fellow is from TO and has done cameos for everybody it seems. He's got his own album now and this great track, "Pedal Pusher".
Check see!*

*Notice the instant "street cred" I've secure by adding 2 small words that have no grammatical base what-so-evah.

On a heavier note. We had our Canadian Thanksgiving last weekend and the kid managed to get his arms wrapped around a 30lb squash. This local organic garden, Amarosia, had grown it and priced it at $10. Thinking no one would be foolish enough to buy it. Let me introduce your fool! I've never been photographed for buying produce before (but I have seen some videos with various veggies implicated! Yeowza!), but she wanted document the occasion. Meet the parents style I guess.

After coercing it with sweet nothings and promises of yachting off exotic coasts I took it back to my apartment and had my way with it. I stuffed that monster with light and dark rye, Wild shrooms (real ones, not that dry up shit), cashews, onion, cream and Parmesan cheese. Afterward, we cuddled for bit then I baked it for upwards of 4 hours.

Here's what it looked like after I was through. OH, mercy! This freak show gourd set the bar for beast of feast.

Finally!

I finally slammed The Red Planet into some poor saps sedan. My cog came off! (I've since lock-tighted the cog and lock ring) and it was obvious that this particular car had been involved in some previous collisions. I was cutting through a parking lot and it was his jalopy or a righteous pedestrian.
But, really? What do you say in such situations?

A. Way to go asshole! I've got your license plate! I think you deveated my septum!
B. Umm. I think that dent was already there. It's not even really shaped like my head.
C. Yes, Sir, brakes do seem like a good idea in this particular context, but surely you have time for me to defend the subtleties of fixed gear braking techniques.
D. Sorry, but if it's any compensation you've just been struck by the coolest bike in town.

Everyone in fixie cyber-space is cool as hell and "brakes are for dicks" denizens. I'm sure every one of them has gotten a case of the splashed-out-on-the-hood blues, but there is no way in hell you'll get it out of them. That a song they'll keep in their brittle little hearts. But, you don't have brakes! I know, I know. It has nothing to do with cool, though. I'm just cheap.

Bike Chick Spectrum

Two of my very favorite things combined for maximum ocular appreciation. Bikes pis Chicks make for enough Boner-dollars to buy the meal deal. Listen in ladies, like a conversational knowledge of welding and and film noir, your proximity to hot bike makes you hotter. Dunno, must be Freudian.



Yeowzaaa! Here's a throw back to the days of real marketing genius...and v-brakes! She's looks chilly if you ask me.

Magnifique!



Holy F@&*! Is she changing her own tire. This is almost not work safe it's so hot!


Oh! Watch where you're going! You wanna end up as a smear of hotness all over the pavement?


You're Goddam right! Even though Miss Hepburn would never use that type of language, I'm sure.

As you can see the only thing these pictures have in common are bikes, chicks (ladies just doesn't apply to them all) and hot. What a spectrum of diversity. More will follow I'm sure.